Sci-Ha

Inspired by Storm, I went surfing and found this:

"1. If I were an enzyme I would be DNA helicase so I could unzip your genes.


2. If you were a concentration gradient I'd go down on you.


3. If you were C6, and I were H12, all we would need is the air we breathe to be sweeter than sugar.


4. Baby you must be 1/cosxy, because you're secxy.


5. Baby you must be a carbon containing sample, because I want to date you.


6. Baby, you and I are like negative (e to the (pi * i))


7. Girl, you must be low density lipoprotein cholesterol, because you just stopped my heart.


8. Baby I wish I were your integral so I could fill the area under your curves.


9. Girl whenever I'm near you, I undergo anaerobic respiration because you take my breath away!


10. What did the geologist’s wife tell him after they had a quarrel? Do not take me for granite.


11. Baby, would there be any resistance if I tried to take you ohm?


12. Girl, you must be a particle physicist, because you're giving me a Hadron.


13. Can I have your significant digits?


14. Baby, I wanna bind to your active site.


15. I wish I were your problem set, because then I'd be hard and you'd be doing me on a desk.


16. I want to work on your leucine zipper with my zinc fingers.


17. Baby, you must be gibberelin, because I'm experiencing some stem elongation.


18. I wish I were a derivative so I could lie tangent to your curves.


19. I'm not being obtuse, but you're acute girl.


20. If I could make any compound, I would make uranium iodide, so I could put U and I together.


21. Hey baby, what's your sine?


22. If I were sine squared and you were cosine squared together we'd be one.


23. What does it take to get over your activation barrier?


24. I feel a BOND between us!


25. Girl, we fit together like sticky ends.


26. You must be in the middle of cytokinesis because you have some fantastic cleavage.


27. I know the spring constant for my mattress. Wanna take some data?


28. What's your inverse sine? It must be π/2, because you're the one.


29. My sudden protracted cardiac arrhythmia tells me I love you!


30. I want you like 1/x, as x approaches zero... positively.


31. If I were an endoplasmic reticulum, how would you want me: smooth or rough?


32. What does a molecular biologist and a fashion model have in common? They both work with designer "genes".


33. What did the little mermaid wear to math class? An algae-bra.


34. What do you call a one-sided nudie bar? A Möbius strip club.


35. What is the difference between a PhD in the sciences and a large pizza? A large pizza can feed a family of four.


36. What is non-orientable and lives in the ocean? Möbius Dick.


37. Why do you rarely find mathematicians spending time at the beach? Because they have sine and cosine to get a tan and don't need the sun!


38. If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate. ~ Henry J. Tillman


39. What does a statistician call it when the heads of 10 rats are cut off and 1 survives? Nonsignificant.


40. If Evolution Is Outlawed, Only Outlaws Will Evolve. ~ Jello Biafra


41. Chemistry is killing me: anytime I do a Diels-Alder reaction, I think I'm diene.


42. What is the difference between a Quantum Theorist and a Beauty Therapist? The Quantum Theorist uses Planck's Constant as a foundation and the Beauty Therapist uses Max Factor.


43. A Bayesian is one who, vaguely expecting a horse, and catching a glimpse of a donkey, strongly believes he has seen a mule.


44. Did you hear about the statistician who had his head in an oven and his feet in a bucket of ice? When asked how he felt, he replied, "On the average I feel just fine."


45. What happened to the molecular biologist who swallowed a beaker full of restriction endonucleases? He came to a sticky end.


46. What does a molecular biologist and a porn star have in common? They both get paid to remove their genes (jeans).


47. The Higgs Boson walks into a church, the head priest said "we don't allow elementary particles of any kind here", the Higgs Boson replied "But without me, how could you have mass?"


48. Did you hear about: the four statisticians who were caught in a boating shop tossing packages of canvas around? It turned out they were just fore-casting sales. the statistician who went out on a limb to obtain a nested design? the statistician who attempted the distribution of joints but was arrested by the vice squad?the statistician who was looking all over for the sum of eigenvalues from a variance- covariance matrix but couldn't find a trace? the non-parametrician who couldn't get his driving license? He couldn't pass the sign test. the two binomial random variables who talked very quietly because they were discrete?the ancient roman statistician who was always called a nerd? Turns out he was just a Latin Square. The father and son station wagon? Talk about a case of auto-correlation! the nine-foot tall roman numeral who took over Congress and outlawed decimals? It was just a case of the strong law of large numbers.


49. A Physicist, a Biologist, and a Statistician see two people enter a house, and then after some time, they see three people leave the house. The Physicist concludes, "My initial observation must have been incorrect." The Biologist concludes, "Clearly, the two reproduced." The Statistician concludes, "Well, if one more... person enters the house, then there will be no-one in the house!"


50. A neutron walked into a bar and asked the bartender how much for a drink.
The bartender replied, "For you, no charge."




51. Why did the chicken cross the road? Answers by Werner Heisenberg: 1We are not sure which side of the road the chicken was on, but it was moving very fast. 2It was uncertain if it could make it, but wanted to try on general principles. 3Because the chicken is moving very fast, you can either observe the chicken or you can measure the chicken, but you cannot do both. 4We could tell... you how it crossed the road, but we couldn't tell you where.


52. Rene Descartes was sitting at a bar. The bartender came over and asked if he would like another drink. He replied, "I think not." And he vanished. Heisenberg was also sitting at the bar. After Descartes vanished in a puff of smoke, the bartender walked over to him and asked, "Did you see that?" To which Heisenberg replied, "I can't be certain." The bartender then noticed Einstein was there. So he asked him if he could believe what had happened. Einstein replied, "It's all relative." Then the bartender noticed that Carl Sagan was there. He walked over to him and asked, "Can you believe that all these famous people are here in THIS bar?" Sagan replied, "No. Why there must be BILLIONS and BILLIONS of bars out there."


53. So, here is a crude and juvenile calculator classic. Get out your calculator and follow these steps: There is one girl (type in 1) she's sixteen (type in 16) she gets screwed 69 times (type in 69 followed by the times sign) in three days (type in 3). What does that make her? Your screen should look like this: 11669*3 now press ENTER. Turn your calculator upside down to get the answer. I told you...crude and juvenile.


54. How do you make a hormone? Don't pay her!


55. Experimental animals, under carefully
controlled laboratory conditions, do what they damned well please. - Harvard Law of Animal Behavior


56. Girl, you know my ρ = 1-sinθ belongs to you!


57. A room temperature super conductor walks into a bar, the bartender says "we don't serve room temperature super conductors in this bar" the room temperature super conductor leaves without putting up any resistance


58. Heisenberg is out for a drive when he's stopped by a traffic cop. The cop says 'Do you know how fast you were going?' Heisenberg says 'No, but I know where I am.'


59. Taenia solium walks into a bar and the bar tender says "we don't serve your kind here" Taenia solium replies "Well, you're not a very good host."


60. A virus walks into a bar and the bar tender says "we don't serve your kind here." The virus replaces the bartender and says "now we do."


61. Two bacteria walk into a bar and the bar tender says "we don't serve your kind here" The two bacteria say "But we work here....were staph!"


62. Schrodinger's cat walks into a bar...and doesn't.


63. Why did the mushroom get invited to all the parties? Because he was a fungi!


64. A neutrino walks into a bar and the bartender says "we dont serve your kind here" The neutrino says "Well, I was just passing through...."


65. An infrared photon walks into a bar and says "Is it hot in here or is it just me?"


66. Why didn't the math student get a new car?
Because he couldn't find anybody to cosine.


67. Weights and Measures
Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter = Eskimo pi
2000 pounds of Chinese soup = won ton
1 millionth of a mouthwash = 1 microscope
Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement = 1 bananosecond
Weight an evangelist carries with God = 1 billigram
Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour = knot-furlong
365.25 days of drinking low-calorie beer because it's less filling = 1 lite year
16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone = 1 Rod Serling
Half of a large intestine = 1 semicolon
1000 aches = 1 kilohurtz
Basic unit of laryngitis = 1 hoarsepower
Shortest distance between two jokes = a straight line.
453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake
1 million microphones = 1 megaphone
1 million bicycles = 2 megacycles
2000 mockingbirds = Two kilomockingbirds
10 cards = 1 decacards
1 kilogram of falling figs = 1 Fig Newton
1000 cubic centimeters of wet socks = 1 literhosen
1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche
1 trillion pins = 1 terrapin
10 rations = 1 decoration
100 rations = 1 C-ration
3 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital = 1 I.V. League


68. Baby, I wish I were your second derivative so that I could investigate your concavities.


69. ∫e^x = f(u)^n


70. Hey baby, why don't we go back to my place for a little horizontal gene transfer?


71. Baby, why don't we get comfortable so you can integrate my natural log.


72. What's the integral of 1/cabin? Log cabin of course.


73. What's the difference between an enzyme and a hormone? You can’t hear an enzyme.


74. Hey baby, If you were a gene I would be Ethidium Bromide so we could go back to my place and intercalate.


75. What did the stamen say to the pistil? Girl, I like your style.


76. What do claustrophobic cells fear? Tight junctions.


77. Hey, what’s new (ν)? c/λ of course."

Links:
http://www.facebook.com/pages/If-I-were-an-enzyme-I-would-be-DNA-helicase-so-I-could-unzip-your-genes/293128768855?v=info
http://egyptiannerdpopcorn.blogspot.com/2011/04/nerd-jokes.html
http://www.makeuseof.com/tag/55-geeky-line-jokes/
http://slconfidential.blogspot.com/2011/08/troll-of-week.html
http://whatleesaid.blogspot.com/2011/08/confessions-and-apologies-of-serial-sl.html